Book One – Chapter 18

Yu straightened. He looked around. He looked at the mess all around him. He really looked this time. The torn bandages, the damp clumps of feathers, the sodden towels, the water creeping under the door.

No one would want to use this bathroom, drained barrel or not. The barrel made no fucking difference. So what the fuck was he doing here? Why the fuck was he still here?

In that moment, Yu could not explain to himself why he had needed to do any of this. Why he had needed to drink something here, locked up in this filthy, clammy room, fumbling like an idiot with toilet water. Why had he not just gone downstairs an asked someone for a glass? What terrible thing could have happened if he had simply walked into the kitchen and then helped himself? All the drinks and foods must still be there, perfectly laid out. After all, the witch had interrupted dinner. Right after Yu had started to bring out the stew. Or… tried to bring it out, at least.

“Why?” he asked the Yu in the mirror, who asked the same question, at the same time.

He heard the answer in his voice. It was, all in all, a rather simple answer. And at the same time, it was also not. He was terrified to go back down.

The shaman and Bubs were talking again. Their discussion had grown more complicated now. They exchanged remarks about what to give to the human; which herbs and potions to combine, in what proportions, and how to administer them.

Yu could just wait here. Wait until they were done with the injured and Bubs went back into the kitchen. He could stay in the bathroom under the pretense to clean up. That would give him hours, legitimately. He could just wait until there was food. He could wait and listen, all from a safe distance.

No, Yu did not want to listen. He wanted to go to his room, strip off his wet clothes, dry up and lie down in his bed. He wanted to eat alone and be alone and sleep alone and then wake up a day later and just feel better.

But he could not. He needed to be there. He needed to be seen. He needed to convince them all. He needed to be involved and caring. He needed to pretend he cared so much that he wanted to be involved.
He had to go back down there and be normal.