Book One – Chapter 4

A year ago, he stole acquired a key with the promise that it could unlock any door. An exasperating period of trial and error revealed that the key only unlocked doors that led to bathrooms. Months later, when Yves delved deeper into his studies of ancient runes, spells, and their respective languages, he came across a vexing revelation. In Byrmir, the word “bathroom” literally translated to “anything room”. So to whoever failed that enchantment, there you have it.

The stupidest thing he ever bought was a necklace that supposedly granted the wearer the ability to breathe underwater. However, the necklace only “worked” for a few seconds. Its massive centrepiece was an enchanted jewel. Once underwater, when in direct contact with the wearer’s skin, this jewel transferred an air bubble of its own size right into the wearer’s lungs. Yves had no clue what the enchanter had tried to achieve, but he had obviously been ignorant of basic humanoid physiology. There was a ridiculously small chance that the necklace was designed for a specific race, but it certainly was not wizards. Yves kept that one as a murder weapon.

There came a point where a heap of trash treasure transitioned from amusing to downright embarrassing, and as Yves rummaged through his Chest of Useless Artefacts, he could not help but feel he had long passed that moment. The fact that this was the largest chest he owned spoke for itself. If Yves bent his legs, he could even lie in there himself. He had tried; that one time when he had felt like a particularly useless tool himself. Yves rose to brush off and sort the clothing he had stored in the adjacent Chest of Disappointing Discoveries, which was filled with similarly dumb and deficient pieces.